This

I have never felt so sad in my whole life, thus far.

I have never cried so much.

I have never felt so alone.

I have never been so scared of falling asleep and dreaming.

Not even when anyone close to me died.

I am feeling like a huge failure.

I am feeling so many things, I can't even describe them.

This is the lowest point of my life.

It will take a lot and a long long time... for me to climb up this steep cliff...

And be happy again.


Please tell me I can do it.

Anyeong Hasaeyo!

So... I was in Seoul, South Korea (Don't get why the locals insist on dropping the "South" when referring to their own country... NOT YET REUNITED YET LA, HELLO!!!) for a week last month. I was AHEM AHEM representing our beloved soon-to-be 50-years old country in a competition...
Hmm... just look at the portion of pics I am posting along, below la OK?

Seoul is really nice... BUT 90% OF THEIR SUBWAYS HAVE NO ESCALATORS... @^$*$%^*@! Fabulous me had to slug my heavy heavy luggage up and down flight after flight of granite staircases. So unglam OK?

My main problem was... MOST OF THE SIGNS IN RESTAURANTS AND ESTABLISHMENTS... ARE ALL IN KOREAN!!!

You can only see English in the airport and govt offices... more or less absent elsewhere!

Quite nice public toilet...

Please queue here... to use the urinals!!! =)

There are statues of over-bulky muscular men on the roads...

As well as of men wrestling each other in public...

I Am That Guy

I am that guy who is super duper lazy to reply comments left on my blog.

I am that guy who still loves to read comments left on my blog, except the spamming ones.

I am that guy who likes to eat ayam.

I am that guy who likes to eat babi, also.

I am that guy who turned semi-vegetarian this week.

I am that guy, who never really studied in school or college, being busy with everything not related to studies.

I am that guy, who was the first guy to have a mobile phone in my secondary school class.

I am that guy who damaged that very first “Alcatel” mobile phone, 2 months later.

I am that guy who drives the cheapest car among all my friends.

I am that guy who was repeated rejected by practically anyone I liked.

I am that guy who once thought I’m never ever gonna have a boyfriend because I’m just not part of the gang into the ‘scene’.

I am that guy who commented on the wrong blog and freaked you out.

I am that guy who did the same abovementioned mistake twice more, carelessly.

I am that guy who thought you would have ignored me by then.

I am that guy who started chatting with you on MSN while in class.

I am that guy who kept sending you songs from my playlist, practically everyday.

I am that guy whose heart cried a river when you thought you are not the right type for me.

I am that guy who pretended to be your boyfriend, for you to ward off unwanted attention by guys you don't like.

I am that guy who was so nervous to meet you that I ran away after a glance.

I am that guy who called you for consolation for hours on the night of my late grandmother’s funeral.

I am that guy who was so afraid to look you in the eye when we first met.

I am that guy who didn't want to hold your hand because I was shy.

I am that guy who grabbed your hand when Jim Brickman performed “Valentine” during his concert last year.

I am that guy who watched The Lake House with you on our first date.

I am that guy who didn't stop being your boyfriend since then.

I am that guy who bought 70% of all your soft toys. You’re the guy who bought all the soft toys lying on my bed now. Even though we’re both guys and we’re not supposed to even know how to appreciate soft toys.

I am that guy who had to put up with your passion to play ALL sports, taking some of ‘our time’.

I am that guy who rejoiced when I was accepted to the same university as you are in.

I am that guy who started to learn cooking because of you.

I am that guy who frequently made you the guinea pig for my culinary experiments.

You are that guy made me scrambled eggs for breakfast, at least until you decided sleeping is more important than making breakfast for me.

I am that guy whose life was made complete when my mum started accepting you as part of the family. Well, at least, she doesn’t hate you!

I am that guy who was freaked when my mum asked you to move in with me to save money on rent. Guess you freaked out more!

I am that guy who wishes the two of you could really get along with each other.

I am that guy whose mouth you shoved a chocolate ice-cream sandwich into when I was halfway telling you I'm trying to lose weight.

I am that compulsive idiot who threw a huge fit on you because I found out you sprained your ankle real bad while playing basketball.

I am that guy who always argues that my nephew is a way cuter baby than your niece.

I am that guy who made the both of us close to bankruptcy because of my expensive tastes.

I am that guy who gave you more silly nicknames than a dictionary could give.

I am that jealous dumbo who turned green when that CW guy kept sending you messages even though you made it clear that he was just a platonic friend.

I am that guy who rolled you up in a comforter and called you a popiah.

I am that guy who wants to be a househusband in the future while you work hard to buy our dream condominium!

I am that guy who made you sad so often because of my unpredictable tempers and stupid inconsiderate behaviour.

I am that guy who crushed your heart with my dark past.

I am that guy who left you alone for most days for the past 2 months because of my frequent travels.

I am that guy who cried when I lost the elections. You are that guy who came right then to be by my side, to give me strength.

I am that guy who can’t stop babbling and bore you with my nonsense. You are that guy who smiled and (acted) interested still.

I am that guy who always screws up all the romantic surprises I concocted for you.

I am that guy who sends you handmade cards with corny messages inside.

I am that guy who bought you freshly imported pricey chocolates which made all my girl friends jealous of you.

I am that guy who spent too much while travelling to get you an actual present for this occasion, so this is my gift to you. *sniggers*

I am that guy who doubts the future and what it holds for us. You are the reason my faith in our love is intensifying.

Yet, I am the guy who cherishes every single second of every minute of every hour of every day of these 12 months that we have shared our lives together.

Yes, I am that guy who gave you that soft toy puppy sitting on your computer monitor.

And on this day, I am just that guy who wants to say to you,

"Happy 1^st Anniversary , Dear!!!"

I Climbed Mount Kinabalu

The majestic peak... from the base registration centre! Whoa...

View from the midway resthouse... Laban Rata - CRAZY!!! (RM15 for Nasi Goreng)

On the way down.... steep steep rocks!

Donkey Ears Peak...


A surprise find in Kota Kinabalu city...

Truly, THIS WAS A LIFE-Changing experience. (to be continued)

A little late

Happy 11 months dear! Thank you for tolerating my nonsense... hehe and the fact that my mouth works faster than my brain.

Tercipta Untukku -UNGU

The Holiday (s) - Part 1

So I spent a week, far far away from civilisation, where there was ZERO mobile reception and free-flowing electricity and managed to survive with the least of modern facilities....

Nature.

Nothing, but nature, the wind blowing and the waves crashing.

Nothing.

In an idyllic island, not so far off the East Coast of the peninsular... Any guesses?

Dark, cloudy sky frowns upon the measly rocks

Stranded.

This is a giveaway clue. LoL

Lovers to Friends?

Teardrops are cold on the skin.

Disclaimer

One Last Chance

In my life I don't mean much to anyone
I've lost my way can't go back anymore
Once I had everything now it's gone
Don't tell me again coz I've heard it all before


Some people say that i'm not worth it
I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect
Guess I'll give it a try

I've got one last chance to get myself together
I can't lose no more time it's now or never and I'll try to remember who i used to be
I've got one last chance to get myself together

The time has come for me to change again
I can't carry on like this, I will lose my friends - don't say that you have given up on me.
Just give me the time and space to heal my head

I don't wanna be misunderstood
I've got to take this chance and make it into something good


This song by James Morrison aptly describes what I feel right now. Public, International and IQ Examinations... I have done and survived them all. Knowing myself, I am a last-minute rummaging expert...

But Med School Finals is an EXPERIENCE... where life just get sucked away.

Body systems go haywire. Hormones flare. Friends disappear to mug all day long. You get shushed for gossiping, hence disrupting the silence of the holy library. No SEX!!! Short-term memory is limited to the prior 30 seconds [I showered and exited the bathroom without remembering whether I have soaped myself]

Sleep, is now, officially a burden.

Let this all be worth it.

I have turned into...

THIS!!!

*cries*

*hides under the insurmountable pile of lecture notes*

One Hour

Do you ever wonder how long it takes to change your life?

What measure of time is enough to be life-altering?

Is it the 5 years in secondary school? Perhaps 1 year of missionary expedition across the African continent? 1 week with your favourite hunky star?

Is 1 week enough, baby?

Can your life change in a month? A week? Or a single day?

We are always in a hurry. To grow up. To go places. To get ahead.

But when you’re young, one hour might just change everything.

LABELS. Haven’t we all gone through the phase in teenage life where everyone around us, including ourselves, were fitted to certain ‘names’? Be it ‘The Jock’ or ‘The Prom Queen’. Some may be called ‘Geeks’ while self-isolating ones are usually considered ‘Loners’.

I, for one, was one of the “Friendly” bunch… if you get my drift. LoL

Whether we like it or not, our image usually conforms to what people around us, thinks and expects of us. But when we leave this stage, these people (e.g. high school), we can erase all those labels and start over. For some of us, shedding this image might be a great change. Au contraire to the others.

About 4 years ago, I was randomly paired up with this ‘ostracised’ guy in my Civics class. It was the teacher’s bright idea to break the borders between ‘invisible cliques’ within the class. We were supposed to spend one hour together, anywhere within the school compound, and learn more about each other; with a list of questions. It surely changed my perceptions on people. I still remember the day so vividly.

Aaron... *hmmm*

Aaron (that guy’s name) was a really quiet and almost non-existent member of the class. He hardly spoke to anyone. And he usually skips lessons to play basketball. Teachers sighed when they heard his name. Nobody bothered if he was present or not. Nobody knows anything else about him. And we were in the same class for about 3 years.

I never cared about him. He definitely was not part of the gang I was in. All that mattered to our group were the 3P’s (Popularity, Power, Presence). We were the typical stuck-up jock-ish guys, I guess. We made the prefects’ lives horrible. While we behaved as ‘goody-two-shoes’ around the teachers. We ruled the place. Aaron was too ‘insignificant’ (for the lack of a better word) to be noticed. In short, he was a “Loser”.

"The Popular Boys"

Imagine my dread when I had to be ‘acquainted’ with him. Well, he wasn’t too happy about it either.

To be honest, we started off the assignment being rather hostile to each other. *LoL* a lot of name-calling on his part (you don’t wanna know what he called me!) and I was just being very princessy. But we had to finish the tasks hence we did. And it improved as time went by. One question led to another (on the tasklist) and it really opened up our inner self to a ‘stranger’ respectively. He even said I was pretty good company ok? I found out that we liked the same ice-cream (green tea) and loved Power Rangers among other things. We even shared family issues and dreams. (everyone thought he would end up being a communist!) Gosh, at the end of it, I was having more intellectual conversations with it than I ever had with my closest friends in months.

I spent an hour with Aaron that day and I learnt something. People ARE going to label you. It’s how you overcome those labels that matters most.

People thought they knew Aaron. I know I did. But I discovered something new that day. He was more than a single word. In a way, I guess, we all are. And the both of us had things in common. Who knew? I wished I hung out with Aaron a bit more before that day.

And I learnt that one hour, can change everything.

(Plus, I got a cool basketball for my birthday, the following week.)

Good Night, Sleep Tight

It is very late now. And of all things to do, I should be sleeping soundly in bed instead of blogging. Darn, got a long day class tomorrow. Really crazy workloadsI have these days.

I am soooo whiny.

I feel really odd right now. A part of me is desperate to be held tightly and comforted while the other half is telling me to run, run far and fast... away from all. Away. This half wants to be alone.

To seek some answers to the recurring questions bothering my sanity for the past few weeks. I haven't been sleeping well, not concentrating well in class nor have I been really nice to the people around me. My temper is flaring like crazy, maybe I am just very good at sequestering such emo-ness within me.

I did not mean to turn like this. We can blame the stress (exams in like... so soon!) or just the lack of effective communication I have lately. Many many things to do, yet so little time. I feel an immense emptiness and disconnected from everyone, yes, even the BF. =( But I know people will worry about me, especially if it is so apparent. But I am not one to share emotions and feelings so openly, as jovial a person I may seem to be.

Frustration is not the solitary culprit in my agony. You know how bad things just happen in a chain reaction? Yeah, just like "jatuh ditimpa tangga"... In my case, it's a chain of negative feelings... LoL ... what an oddball yes?

I have been getting irritated waaaay too easily these days. Sometimes the BF is the poor victim (sorry dear!) yet then I end up feeling guilty for taking it out on him... Hence, guilt sets in. And I feel worse. I get jealous very easily, I nag, I complain, I get possessive and controlling... Ah you get the picture!

And when such sorts of distractions set in, it is easy to lose touch with someone so close, so cherished. Yeah, I am saddened by the fact that we haven't really spent much quality time together, even less talking for that matter. And both of us being so busy with studies and ECA... aahh... I hope they don't aggravate things.

I can get too demanding until I am shocked. So angsty until I retrospect in fear. More fear in the potential strain it leaves on our relationship... [nearing 8 months already! A MEGA-achievement for me!!! ] I certainly hope the BF doesn't hate me by now. Missing him terribly mucho grando!

Such behavioural crises commonly overflows and affects interpersonal relationships [friends, family?]

LoL! Lastly, having so little time to finish the course revisions is an additional 'burden'? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.


Now does anyone see why I wanna run away from all this to find solitude?

OR seek consolation to alleviate this gargantuan psycho-physico-emotional weight?


Haha, running away seems to be the best choice as at this point. Less work. Keep on running. Metaphorically. (cos my knees aren't that strong)

It is one of those times/phases in life where one has some serious thinking to do!

I feel like I have lost myself, struggling in chaos. Chaos within myself and maybe the immediate environment. *encapsulated*

From another perspective, it is good that no one knows. (OK, you bloghoppers know now!)


This is truly loneliness in the midst of solitude.


Good night & Sleep tight!

Taiwanese Eccentricities

So I was in Taiwan earlier this month for a week... Guess what I found?

(Hi~I am pukii)

[From left: Pu Ma (Mummy Pu), Pu Mei (Little Sis Pu,) Pukii and Pu Pa (Daddy Pu) ]

Imagine queueing up at the counter at Tesco when someone suddenly flashes out a pukii Mastercard... So cute right? Haha (quirky ideas they have for a bank mascot huh?)

WATCH THE VIDEO!

It Ends Tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I get the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain


When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

It ends when darkness turns to light
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

Resistance Training

It kicks my butt.



I love that.

Sometimes...

...I wish I never knew.

Deep down, as much as I try to calm it... I feel a storm brewing.

Top 10 Reasons I Hate "The Moron"

From this post onwards, everytime I refer to my housemate, I shall use The Moron...


1. He pisses ON the toilet seat (and doesn't clean it afterwards!)


2. He refuses to clear the hair (obviously HIS hair cos I am NOT balding!) clogging the bathroom drain. He continues to use the bathroom, obliviously!


3. When the rubbish bin is full, he just takes another plastic bag and fills his rubbish into the new bag then places it RIGHT NEXT to the overflowing bin. CAN'T YOU JUST BLARDY THROW IT OUTSIDE???


4. He never places the cooking utensils, pots and pans he uses back into the cabinets. JUST LEAVE IT TO DRY BY THE SINK AND EXPECTS THEM TO MAGICALLY WALK INTO THE CABINETS!


5. When I wake up late, he will go "You should wake up earlier! You should get ready earlier!" I am like, WTF! I suka lah when I wanna wake up or if I wanna skip classes [note: still attending everything]

btw, HE BLOODY OCCUPIES THE BATHROOM FOR 1 HOUR EVERYTIME HE GOES IN!!! (and only leaving me 30 min b4 lectures. WTF he doing inside I dono!) FYI, you still are a minger, regardless of how you groom yourself ok!


6. When I wake up early, he will go "Wah, wake up early ah? What happened to you ah?" *toot* WHO THE HECK YOU THINK YOU ARE? MY GRANDMOTHER AH?


7. He EXPECTS ME to call the landlady (cos he apparently cannot communicate in Cantonese) , pay bills, get the net connection, fix anything that goes WRONG in the house blablabla... though he is the MAIN TENANT!


8. He always talks about wanting to clean the house cos it's getting dirty. BUT NEVER EVER DOES IT!!! In the end, poor little Joshy has to do it!!! (OMG I am amazed at his high tolerance level of cleanliness!!!)


9. Last weekend, I sensed some odd smell in the kitchen. THERE WERE ROTTING ONIONS ON THE REFRIGERATOR!!! I told him about it and guess what? He smelled it too, but just ignored the odour.



10. THIS EFFING IDIOT JUST ENTERS MY ROOM AND GOES THROUGH MY COMPUTER, SEARCHING FOR STUFF (with the excuse that the internet's not working) WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! WHEN I AM NOT HOME...


My blood is boiling.




p.s. Oh yeah, he has bad colour sense too. Horrible matching fashion sense.

MINGING SUPREME HE IS...

Arghhh...

So one fine Sunday, I was grocery shopping and conveniently bought a pack of scrubbing pads (the ones used to clean stuff you know?)

And I went home and placed the respective scrubs in strategic and handy locations like, by the kitchen sink and the bathroom basin...

As I was arranging stuffs in the bathroom, my "dearest" housemate entered and was wondering what I was doing with the scrubbing pad thingy...


Dearest: What's the pad for?
Me: Err, to clean the bathroom basin lor... the old ones like disintegrate dee ma...
Dearest: But I though we can use that *points to the toilet bowl cleaning-brush*
Me: OMG!!! Whaaaat!!! You can't use the same thing to clean the toilet bowl and the basin...
Me: YOU IDIOT!!! (of course, I didn't say this last bit out loud)
Dearest: It's the same one what. We don't put our faces so close to the basin.
Me: Err, let's just use the pads ok?


I AM LIVING WITH A LAZY, INCOMPETENT WEIRD SICK PORNO FREAK WHO IS YUCKY AND STUPID...

OMG... Save me!

I have learned...

"As we grow, life ceases being less and less just about ourselves. We have responsibilities not only to ourselves anymore."

Harsh truth?

Onset

It feels weird being an participant in this rising phenomenon.

I have like, straight guy friends, telling me they want to experiment the alternative lifestyle. In short, they wanna try being gay. Like seriously.

*gasps*

Also, my girlfriends are complaining that they lack a fabulous faggoty friend (with the exception of me, of course)

BEWARE!!! The Pink Army is off to conquer new realms...