It is very late now. And of all things to do, I should be sleeping soundly in bed instead of blogging. Darn, got a long day class tomorrow. Really crazy workloadsI have these days.
I am soooo whiny.
I feel really odd right now. A part of me is desperate to be held tightly and comforted while the other half is telling me to run, run far and fast... away from all. Away. This half wants to be alone.
To seek some answers to the recurring questions bothering my sanity for the past few weeks. I haven't been sleeping well, not concentrating well in class nor have I been really nice to the people around me. My temper is flaring like crazy, maybe I am just very good at sequestering such emo-ness within me.
I did not mean to turn like this. We can blame the stress (exams in like... so soon!) or just the lack of effective communication I have lately. Many many things to do, yet so little time. I feel an immense emptiness and disconnected from everyone, yes, even the BF. =( But I know people will worry about me, especially if it is so apparent. But I am not one to share emotions and feelings so openly, as jovial a person I may seem to be.
Frustration is not the solitary culprit in my agony. You know how bad things just happen in a chain reaction? Yeah, just like "jatuh ditimpa tangga"... In my case, it's a chain of negative feelings... LoL ... what an oddball yes?
I have been getting irritated waaaay too easily these days. Sometimes the BF is the poor victim (sorry dear!) yet then I end up feeling guilty for taking it out on him... Hence, guilt sets in. And I feel worse. I get jealous very easily, I nag, I complain, I get possessive and controlling... Ah you get the picture!
And when such sorts of distractions set in, it is easy to lose touch with someone so close, so cherished. Yeah, I am saddened by the fact that we haven't really spent much quality time together, even less talking for that matter. And both of us being so busy with studies and ECA... aahh... I hope they don't aggravate things.
I can get too demanding until I am shocked. So angsty until I retrospect in fear. More fear in the potential strain it leaves on our relationship... [nearing 8 months already! A MEGA-achievement for me!!! ] I certainly hope the BF doesn't hate me by now. Missing him terribly mucho grando!
Such behavioural crises commonly overflows and affects interpersonal relationships [friends, family?]
LoL! Lastly, having so little time to finish the course revisions is an additional 'burden'? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Now does anyone see why I wanna run away from all this to find solitude?
OR seek consolation to alleviate this gargantuan psycho-physico-emotional weight?
Haha, running away seems to be the best choice as at this point. Less work. Keep on running. Metaphorically. (cos my knees aren't that strong)
It is one of those times/phases in life where one has some serious thinking to do!
I feel like I have lost myself, struggling in chaos. Chaos within myself and maybe the immediate environment. *encapsulated*
From another perspective, it is good that no one knows. (OK, you bloghoppers know now!)
This is truly loneliness in the midst of solitude.
Good night & Sleep tight!