Up The Butt

Adventure.

Hmm, a guy like me sure loves that word. How exciting!

An exploration into an unfamiliar space, especially when it's somewhere very few people have gone before. Sometimes, an adventure can be a strong proof on how well a person has challenged his personal limits on so many levels.

After all, isn't adventure is defined as any activity comprising of risky, dangerous and uncertain experiences?

No people, I am NOT talking about my hike up Mount Kinabalu; which by the way was a life-defining moment.

Ah yes, *cue suspense musical theme* this is a note on me shoving my finger up the asshole of an elderly man.

As part of the training in Clinical Skills, we (medical students, in general) have to learn how to perform a per rectal examination... BUT ONLY ON PLASTIC MODEL BUTTS SO FAR!!!


So imagine my anxiety and fear when the General Surgeon (who FYI is kinda hot and omg is now my Idol No. 2) instructed me to do it on a middle-aged man with benign prostatic hypertrophy [basically, an enlarged prostate; a normal, non-pathological incidence].

A truly unexpected journey and adventure into the unknown alright. Where the sun don't shine.

Even explaining the whole procedure to the patient was like OMG.

"Mr. XYZ, today I am going to perform an examination on your prostate* and this requires me to insert my finger(s) into your butt anus (oops! jargon!) the place you pass motion from."

"It may be a little uncomfortable but it shouldn't cause any pain. If there's pain anytime during the procedure, please don't hesitate to stop me."

"May we begin?"

All in HOKKIEN!!!

As I gloved up and lathered rather generous amounts of KY Jelly onto the area covering my index finger, I had an internal monologue "I am going in now, so HELP ME GOD!"

I quickly inserted the said finger into his you-know-where and there it was. The warmth totally made me shiver. "Oh nooo... LET ME OUT!!!"

Right at that moment, The General Surgeon said, "Okay, Mr XYZ. We're doing good. Now, you need to squeeze your muscles as tight as you can on Joshua's finger."


And strongly he did. I WAS STUCK! There was no turning back! *Note to report: Good anal tone

"Okay okay, calm down Joshy boi. You can do this like a professional," I said to myself.

Then my himbo alter ego (unnamed as of today) popped out and responded, "Ewww. this is fukking gross. I feel violated"

However, I successfully manage to kick the abovementioned alter ego back into hiding.

Yes, I was deluded.

Finding myself stuck (in more ways than one) in such an unfathomable situation which I was abruptly thrown into, I had to remain calm and strong.

Even if it included lying to myself. "Wait, is it really MY finger inside that uncle's butt?"

All the psycho-mental babble took a grand total of approximately 3.57 seconds.

With a few swipes, feeling the rectal and prostate surface, I was done.


"Retreat with respect!"

"Exit the same way you entered, slow and steady" were among the things The General Surgeon subsequently drilled into my almond-sized brain that morning.


Once out (and then there was light!), inspect the glove for shit, blood, mucus, tissue etc. [I heard some other med schools make students SNIFF the glove *faints*]

Yup, and the novelty of the procedure went out the window right there and then.

Tell me what am I doing in med school again?

All you need is the right guy, and the right amount of lube. ;P

p.s. NO, being a sexually-active gay young man does not make me well-adapted and MOST DEFINITELY not an EXPERT at this.

p.p.s *If anyone knows what prostate is called in Malay/Tamil/Mandarin/Cantonese/Hokkien, please let me know! It will be a great help to me

p.p.p.s. All pictures featured in this blog is of the plastic model prostate examination simulator set used by my university.